One hundred and sixty-three! This whole page is wrong.
I'm sorry, Miss Ashley, but I'm trying to keep this place tidy.
Lord Fowler and his daughter Lady Penelope will be here soon.
Why are you nervous about it?
Lord Fowler gave me my first job as a full-fledged butler.
And he's one of the most important men in Britain.
Well, I wouldn't want to embarrass you.
British people have really good manners.
I used to be intimidated by the British.
I thought they were superior in taste, style, and breeding.
Then I saw Benny Hill.
Master Carlton. First of all, I like Benny Hill.
Secondly, while Lord Fowler is here...
I must ask you to keep wisecracks like that to yourself.
During his stay, I want all of you children...
to maintain an air of quiet dignity.
Geoffrey, mon!
Do the limbo with me.
This is precisely what cannot happen when Lord Fowler arrives.
Yo, G. What's my name? The Prince, right?
I know how to deal with royalty.
Don't worry. I'll be at the peak of Schweppervescence.
Check it out. You be the English dude.
Very well.
Pleased to meet you, William.
And I am honored to meet you, Lord Fowler.
Aunt Vivian.
Beautiful American woman.
What you thinking you're up to, boy?
All right. Check it out, Aunt Viv. Ziggy Marley's in concert next weekend...
and I was wondering, maybe I could use the car?
Where's the concert?
- Just around the corner. - Where around the corner?
Nevada.
Forget it, baby.
Uncle Phil, mon!
You are generous, fair-minded, and very sexy.
You've already gotten your allowance.
For that, I am very thankful, mon.
He wants to drive to a Ziggy Marley concert in Nevada.
That's an easy one. No.
Come on, Uncle Phil. Why not?
Every time you take that car to a concert, something happens to it.
- Like what? - A mysterious dent, a broken taillight...
a mural of Nia Peeples painted on the side.
I swear to you guys that was on the car when I got in it.
You're not responsible enough to drive to a concert in Nevada.
All right. If in this next week...
I can prove to you I'm responsible, can I go?
Sounds like a low-risk proposition. You're on.
That's Lord Fowler.
- Lord Fowler. - Geoffrey.
And Lady Penelope. My, you look lovely.
Thank you, Geoffrey.
And this is Mr. and Mrs. Banks.
How do you do?
Very nice to meet you. How was your flight?
It was a bit choppy and quite long.
And of course, the food was horrid and the movie was a dreadful bore.
I wouldn't want to make that journey too often.
I should think not.
Won't you come in?
Philip, why are you talking like that?
Like what?
That ridiculous British accent.
Whenever you're around an English person, you slip right into it.
The first three months Geoffrey was here, I could barely understand you.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Sir, madam, care to join us for tea?
Right-o.
Lady Penelope. Wow, it must be great being a Lady.
Spending all your time shopping, going to lunch with your friends...
and just sitting around being waited on hand and foot.
I wonder what that would be like.
One can only imagine.
Actually, I go to a small convent school and the nuns work us very hard.
We scrub the floors, cook the meals and on the weekends, we do all the laundry.
What a gyp.
We're looking forward to taking you to dinner tonight.
Splendid. Dinner will be a perfect time for me to bring you all...
up to date on the new bills pending before Parliament.
We've made some fascinating strides in maritime legislation.
I'll go into greater details at dinner.
Is tonight a school night?
No. I already thought of that.
Mr. and Mrs. Banks, I hope I'm not being terribly rude...
but I was counting on seeing the opera tonight.
But, my dear, I don't want you going out alone in a strange city.
You'll need an escort.
An escort. You mean a responsible escort.
A young man who could take Lady Penelope out tonight...
and return her home safe and sound.
The same type of young man who could be trusted...
to drive to a Ziggy Marley concert in Nevada.
I suppose so.
- Would you really take me, Will? - Absolutely.
If it's all right with Uncle Phil.
Okay, Will.
You may take Lady Penelope to the opera.
Opera? I thought she said "Oprah."
Spider-Man comics.
Watchman.
Goobers, Raisinets.
- What are you doing? - Packing.
- Where do you think you're going? - To the opera.
Did you see what I did with my spitball straw?
Now, you just listen to me, you irresponsible vagabond.
I want you on your best behavior tonight.
No. Let me revise that.
I want you on a normal person's best behavior.
Mr. Belvesneer.
The whole point of tonight is to prove that I'm responsible.
How hard can it be?
I'll take her to the opera, cop a few "Z's"...
bring her back home.
This weekend I'm with Ziggy.
Master William, I just hope you recognize...
the seriousness of the task at hand.
Why are you tripping? She's just a girl.
Just a girl? Master William...
if 895 members of the royal family instantly died...
she would be the next queen of England.
Now, where does that put me?
But the astounding thing...
about the Fisheries and Hatcheries Act of 1624...
is hardly the bill itself, but rather its unique place...
in the entire 800-year history...
of maritime legislation.
I'll go into greater detail at the restaurant.
Does this restaurant have a bar?
If it doesn't, we'll build one.
I can't believe Geoffrey has done this to us.
This is going to be the longest night of our lives.
The only thing that'll make it better...
is knowing Will has to sit through an opera.
At this point, that's the only thing I have to cling to.
I don't feel so good.
Don't even try it, Ashley. We're all in this together.
- Father, have a lovely time at dinner. - Thank you, my dear.
- And I hope you enjoy the opera. - I shall.
I always find the opera so uplifting. Goodbye, Geoffrey.
Goodbye, Lady Penelope.
Master William.
Do not forget what I said to you.
Goodbye, Father dear. I shall miss you.
I thought the old buzzard would never leave.
Will, got a smoke?
- Excuse me? - I've been dying for a cigarette all day.
No, I don't have any cigarettes. I don't smoke and you shouldn't either.
- It's bad for you. - Sod off, mother superior.
Don't nobody call me a mother nothing.
And what's up with you? Who are you, Dr. Jekyll and Patty Duke?
Don't be such a wanker.
I only put on that innocent schoolgirl routine...
for the old man.
Routine? You've been lying to the Lord?
Whenever we go to the city, I tell my father...
that I'm dying to go to the opera knowing full well he detests it.
That way, I can hit the clubs. I thought we'd go downtown to the Meat Hook.
The Meat Hook? That's the roughest bar in L.A.
Super. That's what Lady Cicely told me. Let's go.
Wait, wait. Baby, you ain't going nowhere.
Geoffrey put me in charge of you.
So you can just shake your royal booty on up them steps.
You can't boss me around. You're not a nun.
Hold on. See, now, that's where you made your mistake.
See, I'm a plainclothes nun.
Yeah, that's right. They call me Sister Sledge.
I hate you! You've just ruined my whole night!
You've ruined everything!
Man, this babysitting thing is easy.
Lady, come back with my car!
- Yo, man. Should I get the bouncer? - I am the bouncer.
Follow your red queen. Keep your eyes on the red card. $10 will get you $20.
Who saw it? Come on, boys, don't be shy. $10 will get you $20.
Awfully glad you could make it. Feel lucky? $10 will get you $20.
- No way. Look, we're out of here. - Forget it.
This place is a blast. The people here are so interesting.
Yeah. I think I saw that guy on Unsolved Mysteries.
Look. Lady Penelope, we are going home.
No, I'm not.
I'm mad about this song. Dance with me, Will.
- I'm not dancing with you. - Loosen up, homes.
Come on. Get up and dance. Shake your moneymaker.
Lady Penelope, I got a Ziggy Marley concert on the line. Let's go.
You can't touch this!
Go, Lady! Go, Lady!
Will you get down from here?
Hi, Otis.
Hey, punk. You're dancing with my woman.
No. You got it all wrong. I'm not dancing with her.
I'm trying to get her to go home with me.
I'll bet you are.
Man, what are you, crazy? Back up!
So that brings us up to 1907...
which, in maritime law circles...
has come to be known as "The Year of the Trout."
I saw that sweater first!
Excuse me.
Lord Fowler.
Wasn't there quite a row in the House of Lords in 1912...
when they repealed the Tuna Laws?
Geoffrey, that's a very long story.
It all began in 1910.
Sir, before you continue, would anyone care for anything?
A lobotomy.
Perhaps a drop of sherry, Geoffrey.
So, anyway, as I was saying...
I recently came upon a very interesting article on the subject...
...1910 brought a tuna shortage...
to the southern shores of Cornwall, Penzance in particular.
The vote, which should interest you, was as follows...
D.E. Chesterton, yea, Sir Rudolf Tetherbury...
Master William. What are you doing here?
Why aren't you with Lady Penelope at the opera?
Opera? G, she's never seen an opera in her life.
I'm telling you, she's been fronting the whole time.
How dare you besmirch the reputation of a British Lady.
G, the Lady is a tramp.
She stole the car, she snuck out to the roughest bar in town...
and then she hooked up with a human Godzilla.
Master William, are you telling me the truth?
I swear on a stack of TV Guides.
Master William, if we don't bring her home safe and sound...
Lord Fowler will never forgive me.
Your uncle will lose faith in me.
I'll never work again, and my career will be ruined.
Can we try to keep this in perspective here, G?
I'm not going to get to see Ziggy.
We must go to that bar and bring her back.
To the Batmobile.
Shame on Lady Penelope. When she was a little girl...
I always told her there is no excuse for lying.
The Labor party...
Milord, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
My cousin Roddy has just been suddenly struck with malaria.
I must go to quarantine immediately.
Yo, G, this is a rough crowd.
You gotta watch what you say around here.
What do you mean, thank you?
That's the guy that Lady P. was dancing with.
- But where's Lady Penelope? - He could be hiding her in his fist.
- I shall have to have a word with him. - Careful, G.
Not to worry. I know how to handle his sort.
What have you done with Lady Penelope, you knuckle-dragging swine?
She's gone.
- Gone? - Yeah.
- She broke up with me. - Where is she?
Really, I don't know. She said she wanted to go for a ride...
so I took her to the parking lot and put her on my bike.
And then I turned around to spit...
and the next thing I know, she took off on my Harley.
Man, I know how you feel. We better keep looking.
Nonsense. The man's a liar.
Tell us what you've done with Lady Penelope...
or I shall be forced to thrash you.
Don't press him, G. You saw what he did to Tokyo.
Don't worry, Master William.
In my youth, I was quite a Greco-Roman wrestler.
So then Churchill said to the king:
"You're ugly."
To which the king replied:
"And you, sir, are fat."
Or was it the other way round?
Anyhow, they went on like that for hours.
Are you sure there isn't any more sherry?
Anyway, this dispute took place...
at the height of the Flounder Rebellion.
- Mommy. - God bless you, sweetheart.
- What's the matter, baby? - I can't sleep.
Just sit around here for a little while.
I'll take you up, baby.
You're not going anywhere, woman.
- Sorry, Mommy. I tried. - Try again in 10 minutes.
Now, where was I?
God. If you don't know, I have no idea.
How are we going to tell Lord Fowler we lost his daughter?
I'll break the news, Master William. You're young.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
It's best I bear the brunt of the punishment.
You got a point there. Good luck.
Geoffrey, how's your cousin Roddy?
I regret to tell you, I have no cousin Roddy.
Damn malaria.
No. You don't understand.
What I'm about to tell you is very difficult to say.
Geoffrey, it's not more gambling debts, is it?
I thought we had that productive chat.
Sir, it isn't that.
It's about this evening.
And I have to accept full responsibility.
Yo, G. Hold up. I can't let you go out like this, man.
This is all my fault.
Will, why aren't you at the opera with Lady Penelope?
All right.
Tonight, my plan was to take her to the opera...
and return her home safe and sound.
But Lady Penelope had other plans and it just didn't work out like that.
Hello, all. I had a smashing time tonight.
My dear. How was the opera?
It was the most wonderful opera I've seen.
- Why wasn't Will with you? - But he was.
And he was the perfect escort.
But around the third act, Will was starting to fade...
so I told the poor dear to go on home.
He left me with more than enough cab fare.
Thank you so much, Will.
You're good.
So, what's all the fuss about?
Will made it up to the third act, which is more than I could've done.
An evening of opera. I can't imagine anything more boring.
I can.
Geoffrey, I'm surprised at you, getting all hot and bothered...
just because the boy ducked out of it early.
It's nothing compared with your old exploits.
There's no need to go into that, milord.
I seem to recall a time that you were caught in the gazebo...
after that randy game of strip croquet.
But I've told enough stories for one evening.
No, I want to hear this one.
No. It's late.
- Perhaps next visit. - No. Now. We've earned it.
No. I'm sorry.
That's the mark of a great storyteller.
Always leave them wanting more.
Good night, Geoffrey. Night-night, Will.
Next time I'm in town, we'll have to go to the ballet.
Yeah. I'm looking forward to that.
Well, Will, you certainly proved that you're responsible.
- That's right. - You took Lady Penelope out...
and you brought her back without a hair out of place as promised.
Yep. Just like I promised.
So, I guess you can use the car next weekend after all.
Thanks a lot, Uncle Phil.
Just one thing, Will, out of curiosity.
Since that explanation that Lady Penelope rattled off...
was obviously a complete crock, what really did happen tonight?
You should sit down. It's going to be a long story, Uncle Phil.
No. Never mind. Enjoy the concert.
English